Hello
my
friends...
Let
me
begin
by
saying
that
while
I
honestly
have
no
idea
how
I
found
this
site,
I
feel
very
connected
to
you
and
need
you...
While
there's
a
big
part
of
me
that's
lazy,
I
wish
that
I
could
download
my
heart
on
here
to
share
with
you
what
I'm
going
through
and
release
feelings,
get
advice,
or
just
to
have
said
things
out
loud...
Last
time
I
shared
with
you
about
just
having
found
out
that
my
rapid
test
came
back
positive,
and
a
week
after
that,
they
called
and
set
up
the
appointment
to
let
me
know,
in
fact,
I
am
positive...
I
immeadiately
told
my
boyfriend
and
it
has
been
one
of
the
hardest
things
I've
ever
had
to
do...
Especially
when
I
wanted
us
to
be
married...
In
the
last
two
weeks,
he's
been
tested
twice
and
both
times
he's
come
back
negative...
While
we're
not
sure
who
really
to
believe,
one
doctor
has
told
us
that
he
could
be
infected
and
yet
we
may
not
know
for
3
-
6
months,
and
another
doctor
told
me
that
if
he
was
infected,
his
body
would
already
be
making
anti-bodies
to
fight
the
infection,
and
since
it's
been
over
3
weeks
since
we've
had
unprotected
sex,
he's
ok...
However,
I'm
still
very
worried...
For
the
last
three
weeks,
we've
had
very
little
contact...
we've
barely
kissed
and
even
then,
it's
been
little
pecks...
He's
asked
me
to
come
and
stay
the
night
three
times
now,
and
in
the
past,
I'd
stay
with
him
at
least
two
night
during
the
week,
and
plus
the
entire
weekend...
In
the
past,
when
we
went
to
bed,
we
both
slept
in
the
nude
and
embracing
one
another,
and
we
both
found
it
very
peaceful
and
restful...
Now,
I'm
afraid
almost
of
being
with
him....
When
he's
asked
me
to
stay
the
night,
I
now
sleep
with
clothes
on,
yet
we
still
hold
one
another...
I'm
afraid
of
being
undressed
around
him...
I
love
him
so
much
and
yet
I'm
afraid
that
I
could
infect
him,
and
can't
imagine
being
able
to
live
with
that
guilt...
I
find
myself
almost
being
afraid
to
touch
him,
or
better
yet
allow
him
to
touch
me...
BTW...
This
coming
Monday,
I
get
the
results
from
my
baseline
tests
back...
If
I
recall
correctly,
they
said
that
they'll
be
able
to
tell
me
my
viral
load
and
my
T-cell
count.
I'm
nervous
about
the
results
too
from
reading
how
much
it
damages
your
body...
I'm
working
at
keeping
my
stress
level
low
and
taking
it
one
day
at
a
time...
However,
that's
easier
said
than
done,
as
I've
had
to
go
to
my
doctor
and
get
Xanax
for
my
anxieities....
Even
now,
at
times
I
find
myself
out
of
control
at
work
and
I
start
shaking
and
my
hands
get
sweaty...
The
first
week
after
my
rapid
test
came
back
positive,
I
bearly
kept
it
together
and
one
day,
I
had
to
leave
work
early
as
I
just
couldn't
keep
it
together....
So,
it
is
getting
better....
So,
if
you're
reading
this
and
have
experienced
some
of
the
same
feelings,
being
positive
and
dating
someone
who's
negative,
then
finding
out
that
you're
positive,
trying
to
decide
where
to
go
from
here...
Please
let
me
know,
I'm
so
confused....
I
love
him
with
all
my
heart
and
soul...
and
I
know
I
can't
take
it
for
granted
that
he'll
be
here
tomorrow....
I
can
say
that
for
the
first
7
months
of
our
dating,
I
know
for
sure
that
he
told
me
3
times
that
he
loved
me...
Actions?
he
demonstrated
his
love
in
so
many
other
ways...
And
since
we
found
out
that
I
tested
positive,
he's
told
me
over
and
over
just
how
much
he
loves
me...
Yet
I
still
know
he's
not
clear
in
his
own
mind
where
we'll
end
up
in
our
relationship...
I
can't
force
him
to
decide
now,
or
ever,
as
if
he
decides
to
be
with
me,
I
want
now
as
then,
I
want
him
to
be
hopelessly
in
love
with
me
and
want
to
grow
old
with
me,
and
not
out
of
pitty...
There's
been
several
times,
since
I've
found
out,
that
when
we've
talked,
he
doesn't
typically
talk
about
me,
or
my
delimna,
but
us
and
what
we
need
to
do...
Please
know,
I
LOVE
Him,
but
also
want
to
do
what's
ultimately
best
for
him
too...
I
don't
want
him
infected,
ever,
plus
don't
want
to
lose
him...
In
the
past,
thinking
we
were
both
negative,
we
were
very
sexual,
so
taking
it
to
nothing
has
been
straining
at
best...
I
don't
want
to
lose
him...
Not
trying
to
be
vulgar
or
nasty,
but
I
need
help
with
knowledge,
information,
and
wisdom...
